“Poolman”

On paper, “Poolman” should be charming and joyful. It features a crackerjack cast, a simple story that honors Los Angeles, and has one of the most likable Hollywood stars, Chris Pine, in front of and behind the camera in his directorial debut. But something went terribly wrong here, as the film has a very rough start and never gets any better. Even a half hour in, this stinker simply failed to win me over.

Pool guy Darren (Pine) is a dreamer. He’s working with Diane (Annette Bening) and Jack (Danny DeVito) to make a documentary about protecting his precious L.A. from developers. When a femme fatale (DeWanda Wise) approaches him to do some undercover work, Darren finds himself in the middle of a water heist made possible by the city’s crooked politicians.

There is nothing – and I mean nothing – funny here, although you can tell the movie is desperately trying to be. DeVito and Bening are especially charming, but their comedy shtick falls completely flat. At one point, I actually began to wonder if, in the spirit of “it’s bad on purpose, dummy!” masters Tim and Eric, the movie was made with a concerted effort to be as terrible as possible. I’m guessing not.

Billed as a “love letter to L.A.” (insert irritated eye roll here), the movie is peppered with references to famous landmarks past and present, including buildings, bars, classic films, cars, and restaurants. Rattling off a laundry list of locales in the City of Angels doesn’t make for enjoyable entertainment, and folks unfamiliar with L.A. will care even less, which begs the question: who is this film made for?

My best guess is that it was filmed solely to appease the cast and crew, because it’s certainly not for mainstream audiences (unless you’re seeking a long, refreshing nap).

This is an ill-advised actor’s passion project that has too much going on, from elements snatched from a failed goofball comedy to a bland mystery to head-scratching modern noir. When the best thing about a movie is the opening credits sequence, it’s never a good thing. Somebody throw Pine and company a life preserver, because “Poolman” drowns as soon as it starts.

By: Louisa Moore